I know I must change but I am finding it hard to.
I knew I had to change. The signs were all around me. People close to me were asking me what I am doing. My bank balance was on life support while the alcohol companies were my cheerleaders screaming to keep going. That unfriendly device called a scale was approving that I am doing well in the “eating junk food” arena.
The most important measurement was that I was unhappy and unfulfilled, even though it looked like I was the life of the party/office or wherever I was with people. Deep down I knew, without a doubt, that something was not right.
I knew that if I continued on this downward trend, I would be in a deeper hole that is harder to get out of. Some people use drugs, others drink alcohol, some always need to win, while others are on power trips with their peers or families. In the end, I strongly believe all these bad habits are the same. They cause collateral damage. A person who is not able to love their family is no better than an alcoholic who can’t put the bottle down. It’s all the same, so don’t fool
yourself or act superior. Your bad habits will cause damage over time.
Why I must change
Growing up is something else. After we are born, there is a type of structure we need to follow. We go to school and learn to communicate through languages, in a verbal and non-verbal way. Then we need to start making a living for ourselves, and the structures or instructions are not so clear anymore. Get married or not? Have kids or not? Control your needs or not? Stay with a partner who cheated or not? You start making decisions for yourself, but then see that some of the outputs you want are not as expected. Some people lose their temper or abuse their power, while others cheat in whichever way. Yes, whatever comes to your mind is cheating.
Change will improve your life. I am not saying that because I want anything from you. It will, for a fact improve the person you are, the relationships around you, and even your financial situation if that’s what is important to you.
The typical growing person must keep assessing themself and make sure that they are a better person than yesterday. That takes guts, time, failure, and more guts. It takes being self-aware and looking inwards and address any childhood issues.
We as typical laymen need to make this world a better place.
How to change
There is a billion-dollar industry on how to change. There are books, seminars, cults, jail time,peer/social pressures, you name it. It’s all there. The world does know that we need to change at some point in our lives. Some find it easy; some find it hard, and the worst is that some don’t even know they need to change.
I have experienced 3 of the changing aspects namely books, cults, and social pressures. Each one has its place, but the work that needed to be performed to change was done by me and no one else. Only I have the power to decide to continually change my behaviour.
As an avid reader, I have focused quite a lot on self-help books. Many people have written books on how best to change and each one comes with a different strategy. There are some great books that I have read such as Grit, The power of habit, and The power of now. I have read many more books, but these hit home in a different way.
Grit talks about concepts such as deliberate practice. My interpretation is that activity doesn’t provide results. Instead, you need to keep trying to be better each time you perform an activity. This is where the magic happens but it’s hard to keep score and see yourself not being able to make it better for most of the days, until all of a sudden you can.
The power of habit was more scientific in terms of how habits are formed and more importantly how to actually create them. Their concepts of triggers and routines can actually trick our minds into performing.
The power of now said that I have the POWER to do it now. Act now and don’t procrastinate. Our minds can only “predict” so far. Essentially what we do now/today can change our lives dramatically tomorrow. We don’t know
what will happen tomorrow, so the trick is to do much as possible today so that when unexpected opportunities arise, you are able to take advantage of them.
I once joined a course. Well, they positioned it as a course that leads to transformation. After joining, the leader/course presenter was basically telling us how useless we are. He focused on it so much that the group of 50 people started to believe it. This 5-day course took certain things away from us. It was held generally at night and took 12 hours. We were not allowed phones, watches, or food and were only allowed to go to the toilet once in that timeframe.
These small deprivations and telling us how useless we were, did certain things to us. We started looking for answers. It felt like we were forced to look for answers, but we signed up for the course ourselves. We let our guard down and asked the course presenter to tell us what the answer was. We were desperate for it.
He made us do basic exercises like answering the question “What do you want? “. This basic exercise taught us a lot about who we are. I realised how insecure, jealous, and a liar I am. A separate article is required to provide more details, but the point is that he forced us to change.
During the course, you are free to leave at any time but no one did. We needed the change. We wanted change, and we were desperate for it.
I came out of the course that was run like a cult, a changed man. I was forced into change. It made me think differently and be very much conscious of the world we are living in.
In this article, I have discussed different ways to change, but at the end of it all it’s all up to you. You can read a book but still need to do the work to change. You can join a course/cult, but you still need to keep going to change.
When I was young my friends used to stand up for me when I was bullied or challenged in whatever way. That practice taught me that I can’t stand up for myself. When I was faced with a challenge when I was older, I always looked for someone to stand up for me. This pattern was not clear to me and it took a lot of work for me to understand and identify it.
This challenge, based on my childhood, will be with me for life. I am conscious of it and always look for patterns to make sure I change them. I don’t need anyone to stand up for me. I am fully capable of standing up for myself.
The truth, the real truth, and nothing but the truth.
Change is very hard and no one can do it for you. But it must be done, and it is possible to be done. It is a lifelong process and requires your commitment to it on a daily basis.
You need to call yourself out on it on a daily basis. You need to ask yourself questions like “am I winning or failing”. If you are failing, make a different decision to keep growing.
You do what you need to do, not what you want to do, but what you need to do.
Just one layman sharing with another layman.